Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and gentlemen!
May I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Wot ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
That rose from the dead—!
On the top of my head

Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was struck with a horrible
Dermatologic disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my 'ead was as bald
As a novice's knees
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He give me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like wot I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!

'Twas Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's wot did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed

Penny buys a bottle, I don't know... (Go ahead and tug, sir)

Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute—
Stimulating, i'nn'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed!

Penny buys a bottle, might as well... (How about a sample?)
Wotcher think? (Go ahead and try it, wot the hell...)
Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell?
Isn't it a crime they let these urchins clog the pavement? (Penny buys a bottle, does it?)
That's enough, sir, ample

Gently dab it
Gets to be a habit
Soon there'll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See that chap with
Hair like Shelley's?
You can tell he's
Used Pirelli's

Let me have a bottle (Make that two)

Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

Are we standing near an open trench?

Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's—
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls

Want to buy a bottle, missus?

What is this?

What is this?

Smells like piss

Smells like—phew!

He says it smells like piss

Says it smells like piss or something

Looks like piss

Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear!

This is piss
Piss with ink!

Let me smell that bottle
I don't want no ink piss!
What is this?

What does that smell like to you, sir? (Never mind that madman, mister)
Gives back our money! (What does that smell like to you ma'am?)
Give 'em back their money! (Never mind the madman)
Where is this Pirelli? (Yeah, where is this Pirelli?)

Let Pirelli's
Activate your roots, sir—

Keep it off your boots, sir—
Eats right through (Go and get Pirelli!)

Yes, get Pirelli's!
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it—

Flies do, too!

Hand the bloody money over!
Hand the bloody money over!

See Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
The Pirelli's
Soon'll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!

Trust Pirelli's
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don't look grim
Just Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That'll do the trick, sir—

What about the money?

If you've got a kick, sir—

What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
What about our money?

Tell it to the mixer!
Of the Miracle Elixir
If you've got a kick, sir—!

Talk to him!